Why Do We Struggle With Estate Planning?
One of the things that continues to profoundly surprise me during the course of my work as a financial planner is how differently people deal with the idea of their own death. Some people are wildly practical and have no issues talking about their estate plan and end-of-life decisions. Others avoid talking about it altogether. This could be because they have anxiety about dying, they think that it’s unimportant, that it’s so far in the future, or some mixture of those.
I’ll readily admit that I’m terrified of reaching the end of my life and it’s a monumental effort for me to take any time to think about it. I realize that it’s inevitable, so shouldn’t I just try to enjoy as much of my life unencumbered by my existential terror?
I think that’s a reasonable strategy, but I also feel that it’s crucial to have the necessary pieces in place so that the only toll my death takes on those around me is emotional and not financial.
So let’s imagine that you’re like me: you prefer to avoid talking about death, but you know it’s important to take some steps to make sure that your affairs are in order for those you leave behind. Here are a few small steps that you can take to parse out your estate planning goals.
John’s Top Tip: Put it on paper
This one should be easiest for us to do because it doesn’t necessarily involve tough conversations—just tough thoughts. Sit down and think about where you would want your assets to go when you pass away. This can be some kind of a flow chart, a list, or written out in paragraphs. It doesn’t matter how you express it, the process of expressing it is the most important part here.
If you’re able to write down where you want those assets to flow, also write down how you think they will get there. Remember that retirement accounts and life insurance policies flow through beneficiary designations on those accounts or policies. Anything in joint name with your spouse will flow to them through the rules surrounding joint ownership. Anything without a beneficiary designation or joint owner will transfer ownership through your will if you have one. If you don’t have a will, things get really messy and the court makes decisions about where your assets go.
Is writing it down too much of a commitment? How about just saying it out loud when we’re alone? I know that I internalize my fears for the most part, but something as simple as muttering them under my breath when I’m home alone or in the car can somehow help me to feel less like my fears own me. There’s something about shining a light in a dark corner that makes the corner less scary.
How this process helps: avoids conversations, gives us a roadmap, allows us to process our emotions alone, potentially helps us identify gaps between what we want to happen and how to get there.
John’s Top Tip: Talk to family
Family dynamics can be…complicated. As such, I’m not just talking about your blood relatives here. I’m also talking about the family that we’ve chosen.
Typically the family that we’ve cultivated are people who create safe spaces for us and are open to hearing us talk about our fears. Our emotions might flare up, but that’s perfectly natural. We can start with the people with whom we feel the most comfortable and progress from there.
It’s worth noting that if we take the time to write out our thoughts and feelings before having these challenging conversations, it gives us some time to understand why we think or feel the ways that we do. Then when we finally start talking with those close to us, we have a better lens through which we view those emotions that might rise. This makes us more effective communicators overall.
How this process helps: people important to you will know your wishes, will understand their potential roles, gives them a sense of security, gives us a safe starting point.
John’s Top Tip: Learn from those around you
I recently had a conversation about dying with one of my closest friends. Fortunately, we have very different feelings about death. I wouldn’t say that the conversation was necessarily comforting other than knowing that while I was feeling anxious and sad, I had a friend with me to help me navigate those emotions. I was able to ask him specific questions about his estate planning and how he deals with thoughts around death. He provided me with some insights that I hadn’t considered.
There are a few things here:
We trust our friends with our most sensitive emotions and there are few things that make us feel more vulnerable than admitting we’re scared.
A friend is someone who may be impacted by our death, but not in the same way as our families.
We often inherit the emotional processing routines of the families who raise us—children often learn their thought processes from their parents either directly or indirectly. Spouses can come to have similar thought processes and emotional reactions to external stimuli as a result of spending a significant amount of time with their partners. On the other hand, friends are usually reflections of ourselves without the conditioning that results from the shared vein of family flowing through.
All of this seems to point to the fact that it’s important to digest as many different views on end-of-life considerations as possible. We should talk to our friends, family, coworkers, pets, or anyone else who can share their thoughts with us or just hear us say the things we need to say.
I think that most of our unwillingness to think about death is an avoidance of dealing with our emotions. So then how do we overcome our urge to sidestep dealing with our emotions so that we can develop an effective estate plan?
There’s just no simple or quick answer. We need to give ourselves time to process. Grace from ourselves and our loved ones is immensely powerful and absolutely crucial to all aspects of our lives. Emotions are messy and can be othering—we need allies on our side to help us understand and navigate those emotions.
Our actions are inextricably linked to our emotions, but we can still choose away from those emotions if we have the right strategies and support systems in place. Everyone needs an estate plan. Estate plans need to be deeply individualized, but not everyone has the objectiveness inside of them to make the necessary choices without help.
If you’re having a tough time making an estate plan, let’s sit down for a chat and talk about what might be getting in your way! You can always email me at jhowe@gencapmgmt.com for some help with topics like this one from an objective third party acting as your ally.
John Howe-Wemett, CFP®, M.S.
